lucy (a_sad_sad_soul) wrote in poetic_cuts,

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i am beyond upset right now, but i dont even want to say why because i'll begin to cry (and no me and mike did NOT break up). i went up to my room and i got out all my knives and i was ready to just send myself to the hospital and that's when i froze. i found myself sitting on my bed with a knife pressing to my skin, but there was no blood. i was just sitting there, so pathetic. i was so ready to just lay there until i saw "the white light" and i just couldn't. i dont know what's wrong with me. i'm not scared of death, infact i want it to happen, and yet i can't bring it upon myself at this moment. i am so pathetic. i can't think at all. i can't even talk. mike's visiting his dad until thursday, so i'm all alone. i want to die. i disgust myself. i can't even look into mirrors anymore without feeling disgusted. i want to vomit. i wish mike was home. i can't stand myself. i need reassurance that i'm alright and going to make it. i've already died mentally. i cried in my room for three hours straight and then i got into my car and just drove for an hour crying the whole way. i just want this to stop. i feel so ligt-headed. it's a rush that i want to stop, i dont like it. i've cried so much that there's nothing left to come out. there's nothing and no on here for me right now. i want mike to came home, i need him. i haven't eaten in three days, and i'm not hungry. and i'm not even trying to starve myself. i have no motivation. i feel like a little teenage drama queen gone wrong. there's no hope. i just want to cut so deep right now, but for some reason i'm stopping myself. i dont know what's wrong with me. there's nothing left of me to faid away, i'm done........
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